On a quest towards sanctification, I discovered self: self-sufficiency, self-righteousness, and maybe one other self along with way. While I was busy trying to be covered in the blood and walking in the spirit, I kept tripping on all of this junk, all of this baggage, all of this me. When I finally realized that it was me that was standing in between God and myself, I wanted, and still am trying to figure out, how to get out of the way.
I always have a plan, a back up plan, and another pretty sweet plan waiting in the wings of just-in-case. I consider myself an excellent multi-tasker. This very moment, I have two huge pots of spaghetti sauce and meatballs cooking, a chocolate cake cooling, icing whipping, coffee brewing, and a load of laundry washing. All of this while trying to articulate my need for a savior, as if it isn’t obvious. I rarely ask for help. I take pride in doing things well on my own. And while this keeps me busy enough that I don’t have time to be bored, I am realizing that there is a major issue permeating all areas of my life. Trust. I don’t trust people to do things well enough for me. I worry that I will have to do it all over again, anyways. While I pride myself for being self sufficient, I push those that I love away. I have hurt friends, my husband, and my God by trying to do life on my own. Not only do I need earthly and practical help of the people in my every day life, but I need my Savior in my everyday life. I can no longer fool myself into believing that I can do all things through me. I am pretty sure that isn’t what Philippians 4:13 says at all.
Following, I stumbled on the harsh words of self-righteousness. Me? Really? I love God. I want him in my life. I need God. But, the reality is that I don’t really know how much I need God. I don’t realize my need for a savior because I ignore and brush off a lot of my sin. My sins – anger, being judgmental, impatience, gluttony, lustfulness, etc.- are so everyday, so minute by minute that they are easy to brush off, easy to justify. However, I realize that this is a lie. No matter the human view of a sin and its depth, a sin is a sin. And, for that very reason, I need a savior. And while it is hard for me to do, I trust in Him for my forgiveness. I trust in Him to fill me with more of himself as I make room for Him. I trust in Him. I trust.
Trust. It isn’t easy for me. I want to do it all on my own. I want to be in control. I want to be the boss. But, if I am to be a follower of Christ, that isn’t possible. I have to surrender to Him. I have to be happy about the fact that God is in control. I want to find joy in that. I want to find peace in that. Really, I need to. I need to trust. And, as I want to be wholly committed, overwhelmingly joyful, and truly excited about following Christ, I have to keep working on getting rid of those ugly “self” words that keep getting in the way. Self-sufficiency and self-righteousness are a lie. The only self I want is self-awareness so that I can be sure that I am allowing God to work fully in my life, less of me and more of Him.
This was my third and last installment of my thoughts during my membership classes at church. This Sunday I will be baptized and made an official member.
