Puzzle

I suppose I feel that this title of "puzzle" fits for today as I have much to tell you.  We finally arrived home after a 12 hour trip.  Emery decided that she had enough somewhere just past Berkley Springs, WV, about 3 hours away, and cried to prove it to us.  She has never been a big crier, so that was her worst yet.  We all had a great vacation but were happy to be home.  The girls were buzzing around, trying out their missed toys and favorite seats, jumping in their beds, and motoring about.  It seems like they both of gotten even busier in just one week's time.  For sure, Emery is toddling everywhere, making her seem less and less like a baby.  

I last left off with the beginning of vacation and how things were going.  Here is an update over the last few days:

*  Avery now likes boys, much, much older boys.  First, she discovered Matthew, a boy from our pool.  He's nine, I think.  She loves to chase him around the pool, and, luckily, he is really nice to her.  Then, Tyler, my nephew, brought his friend, Jake, on vacation.  He's 16.  Loves him.  She calls them her "big boys".  We're in trouble.

*  Emery is a piece of work.  She loves getting into trouble, looking a me with a smile only to share her head, proving that she knows she is up to no good.  Also, she cries every time I hold Avery.  Jealous girl.

* Ryan thinks he knows why my family has vacation success.  He thinks that we do well because no one relies on anyone else to plan their day.  People just do what they want.  This is good for us because we can then do what we want.  Most of the time other family members follow along, but there isn't any pressure.  It is working for us.  

*  I got great news while on vacation.  MY HOUSE IS BEING PAINTED!  As you may know, we rent our house from my grandparents.  It isn't your normal landlord situation.  Basically, we pay for everything, we are charged rent, and we are responsible for the upkeep of the house.  We don't really want to waste any of our savings on home improvement because it will just be lost money when we move out.  But, as all of you home owners know, a house naturally needs to be spruced.  Well, the grandparents hired my uncle and his crew to do some work.  They painted our back siding, cleaned our gutters, painted our front dormer, painted our main hallways, and are just doing some other painting inside.  I AM BEYOND THRILLED.  I had gotten used to having a really nice home.  We have owned two really great homes before Ryan went back to school, and we remodeled each of those to our liking.  I thought I was going to have to deal with grimy walls for two more years, but no!  Clean and bright, here I come.  

*  I am going to the Weight Watcher points system.  I really haven't been working out or dieting since early spring and I need to get back to it.  I still have 15 lbs to lose and I want it gone.  

*  Water.  I don't drink enough.  This is my August goal.  

* And, the missing link is Avery's sudden sleep issue.  She is freaking out about bedtime.  Last night it took her 4 hours to fall asleep, and that didn't happen until 12:30.  Emery got up three times wondering what all the drama was about, so I put her back in our "closet" so that she could sleep.  I was hoping that Avery would at least sleep in, but she was up and out of her room by 5:30.  Insane.  I have no idea what is going on with her.  My guess is three things:  

1.  she is overly tired from vacation 

2.  she thinks she is hot stuff after being with her big cousins last week 

3.  she isn't getting enough alone time with me.   

I am only hoping this is an isolated event and not a new pattern as I may self-destruct on that little sleep and that much anger.  

That's about all that is going on here.  Piece that puzzle together!  Have a great day.  

My Worry

I have been reading MckMama's blog for a few months now, obsessively, somewhat refreshed by her color and attitude.  And, this weekend, I was shocked to read how seriously, seriously, seriously ill her baby boy, Stellan, had become.  Through her blog, I sort of found an imaginary friend.  I look to her for advice, humor, inspiration.  And, my friend is going through a heart wrenching time.  Once again I get a little perspective.

Lately, my concerns have been about babies sleeping, toddlers using "mean words", not losing my cool too many times during the day, looking good (or better) in my bathing suit, and here is my imaginary friend having her heart broken a million times a day watching her baby boy fight for his life.  I try to figure out how to get dinner on the table without having a child get hurt or upset;  MckMama works on plans to meet her baby in Boston where he has been life-flighted.  I pray for wisdom about teaching Avery to listen to me; MckMama prays to hear Stellan's heart beat normally.  

I can't imagine it.  I feel guilty knowing that the worse thing I have had to face with my girls is a broken leg.  The nightmares that every parent faces at some point is her reality.  And, I will take that perspective.  I will realize that my issues are not huge, overwhelming.  They are doable, workable, possible.  At the same time, I must realize that they are worth fighting for, working on, working with.  

And, when I feel frustrated by a simple matter between my girls and me, I will pray for my MckMama friend.  I will pray for her baby boy.  

Blending Family

Well, it's Tuesday night.  The family, minus Mimi and Pappy, who are sleeping, is being noisy in the living room.  They are filling the room with bad jokes, old stories, and laughs.  Isabella is bouncing from person to person for hugs and cuddles.  Shelly is smothering pretzels in fudge.  Ryan and I are having some coffee.  Kelly and Lauren are in the hot tub.  Many boys are lounging on the couch and floor.  The buzz of this house is sweet and constant until late at night when the teenagers finally crash.  

We have found that we have people of every stage of life in this house.  The range is great and interesting.  We can all see where we have been and where we are going.  I suppose the hard part is being aware of where we are currently in life.  There is a strange comfort in knowing that every phase of life has its ups and downs.  For us, having babies means early morning and early bedtimes.  We have to constantly supervise and wonder where they are and where they are going next.  We concern ourselves with thoughts of our kids making too much noise, too much mess, too much distraction.  

My brother has a whole other set of concerns.  His kids are able to take care of themselves for the most part, but they walk that fine line of being independent and still dependent.  I can imagine that Scott and Shelly wish for their kids to feel autonomous but still need to watch over them very carefully without hovering.  

My sister has kids on the verge.  Lauren will be 18 next month.  She and Tyler are behind the wheel, given many responsibilities, but still have many self-centered sensibilities.  As I hope that they won't sneak out at night, I can only imagine the fears that Leah feels with her kids of this age.  

And my parents, I am sure they still worry about all of us.  Do we feel accomplished?  Are we happy?  Do we feel safe in our lives?  Are we happy with our choices?  I am made very much aware, when my family is together, that being  a parent is a job that never ends.  

I enjoy the blending of our little families when we are all together.  Kids seem to fluctuate between different sets of parents.  It makes me wonder what life would be like with a child of that age or this age, imagine what a family of this many or that many would be like.  I watch my girls interact with this family of mine and I am glad that they have them.  I am pleased that they will grow up knowing that there are many people who love them, many people who would protect and provide for them, many people who love them as I do.  I think of the mark that my family has made on my life and I look forward to watching their extended family nurture them as well.  

And this just makes me wonder, who are you loving?  Who are you investing in, caring for, spending your time with?  And, who loved you well?  Who made you feel special?  We only have this one life.  What are you doing with it?

We're on Vacation

The house, usually filled with the noise of 16 people, is now fairly silent. The white noise of the dishwasher and baby monitor are the only sounds I hear. I am alone with the exception of a sleeping Emery, and it is nice. To say that I feel full, complete, joyous seems vague, subtle. In fact, I am quieted by my blessings. My mind, usually buzzing, is still. And, it is so nice.
We took two days to drive here, stopping in Williamsburgh, VA for one night. The girls did so well. They really only fussed the last half our of our 8 hour day. They didn't sleep well at the hotel, but that was more of my issue than theirs ( I kept worrying that Avery was going to turn the stove on in our suite or escape out of the main door. I tried sleeping with her to solve this, but it only made her more hyper. So, around midnight, they finally fell asleep.) We left after breakfast and had a smooth trip down to the Outer Banks. The house is just great. Every one has a bedroom and we can all sit down to eat. If I may make one recommendation: If you have small children and are going on a vacation with others who may be noisy or stay up late, do yourself a favor and get a steel fan. We bought our fan at Sam's for forty dollars and it is loud enough to block out 6 adolescents playing Rockband. This forty dollars may be the insurance we need for a great vacation.
This morning it was so nice to be around my family. Lots of people were around to cuddle my kids and feed them breakfast. We made bead necklaces, went for a long bike ride, and had some great laughs. I am so looking forward to the rest of the week. I am hoping to take lots of time to digest all that is my family. I want to savor them, allow them to become a part of me and me a part of them. I want to love on my brother and sister's kids. I want to invest in the lives of the people that I love. I want to slow down.
I am amazed, really, by the calmness in my mind. It has been so good to see my husband relax and even be silly. I loved seeing Avery put her arm around Emery in their bike wagon. I feel full. I feel good. Who makes you feel this way?

I Gotta Go Number Two.

I Gotta Go Number Two.  And, I'm not talking about the bathroom.  I'm talking about Emery. This  time last year I was fully pregnant, having those mixed emotions about wanting to preserve my special time with Avery and wanting to meet my sweet Emery.  Soon, I left Avery for the first time, headed to the hospital, and within a few hours Emery was ready for my hugs.  That night, Ryan, Emery, and I had our only alone time as of yet. 

 Those few sweet hours in the hospital are so romantic.  It seems magical to have your husband and your baby there, tucked into a little corner of the world, where time and noise seem non existent.  But, then, gotta go!  Number two is here!  Life, as we know it, starts all over again.  The noise, the speed - they all return.

Emery turns a year old next Friday.  And, to be honest, it seems like it has been non stop since then.  Someone always needs something, wants something, wants me, faster, better, more, endlessly.  I can't believe that she is growing so quickly.  I think I am going to hold her tightly this week, somehow try to preserve my baby just a little while longer.  

Progressing

I know, two posts in one day.  Take what you can get.  I'm in the mood to catch up on technology items and the girls are napping.  I wanted to fill you all in, as I know you await anxiously to hear the BIG NEWS here are our house.  I will start where I last left off, just when Avery and Ryan had gone to the lake.

Well, having Avery at the lake was great.  I needed the break from her, needed some time alone with Emery, and needed to think through a few things.  And her is what I learned while they were gone:

1.  While I kept using excuses like she's three and she's a baby, she's tired and she's teething, etc., the reality of my life is that I have two girls who want my full attention.  And, as you know, it ain't happenin'.  I can't please them both all of the time.  So, usually one of them is unhappy.  Somehow, admitting this to myself has made things better.  I don't make excuses for us any longer.  I just do my best to meet their needs, keep myself sane, and we go from there.  It took Avery being away for a while for me to really see this, our truth, our reality.

2.  Having one child is so much easier than having more than one.  I have no idea how moms with more than two handle it.  It must get easier as they get older, or you just get used to it.  I am not sure, but I give you all some serious credit.  

3.  There are things in life that I just have to do.  I was pouting about the girls having to share a room, how hard it was going to be to have them in there together...pout, pout, pout.  I was really angry about being stuck in this seemingly no-progressive state of our life.  Five years seems like a long time to put life on hold for a degree when you are in the middle of it.  We are half way through, but I still get bogged down by it sometimes.  So, I gave myself some resolve for when they returned that we were going to make this situation work.  Better yet, we are going to make it work for US!  

And, so how have things been going since then.  Here are some highlights of the past two weeks:

1.   The room sharing has been a success.  Emery still gets up around 5am for a feeding, but she sleeps through other than that.  They go to bed at the same time.  We put them in their room around 8 and they are usually asleep by 9.  They do all kinds of singing, talking, and playing for an hour, which is fine with me.  Emery cries sometimes, but Avery seems to sleep right through it.  Our only issue now is teaching Avery not to wake Emmy is she is still asleep.  I will say that it has gone much better than expected.  

2.  Avery gave up her pacifier.  We wrapped them up for the "mailman" to take to the "hospital" for Baby Kate and Baby Steve (we made these kiddos up).  That was four days ago.  We made a huge deal about it, and she fell for it all.  Again, this went much better than I expected it to.

3.  Emery is walking.  She thinks she is hot stuff.  Well, I think she is too!

4.  Avery is swimming like a fish.  She jumps in the water, swims under water, and has even learned how to "breathe" underwater.  I am really proud of her success.  

So, yeah.  We have lots going on around here.  All good stuff.  We are slowly packing for vacation.  Really good stuff.  I will keep you posted on life here in these parts.  What is new with you?

Just Chill!

Once, a few months ago, in a moment of rage, I told Avery, "Just Chill"!  Now, she uses that as ammo against me.  Today, while I was again in a bad mood because of losing some sleep to teething, Avery reminded me in her sweet voice to "just chill, be happy, no in bad mood mommy".  She was right.  I was choosing my attitude, picking a bad one, and we were all paying the price.  It took me about an hour, but I got out of my funk, thankfully.  Since then, I have been fully aware of how my attitude was influencing the attitude of my children.  

It seems so simple.  Be nice, your kids will be nice.  Relax, your kids will relax.  Seems so simple.  But, as I am trying to get the laundry done, blow my hair dry (at least once a week), have a clean kitchen, play with my kids, read to my kids, check to see that my husband is having a good day, talk to my sister, check in with my mom, I lose control.  I get overwhelmed.  I get sidetracked.  I forget.  I forget that I need to check in with myself.  I need to ease on down, ease on down this road.  Those girls, my babies, are so small.  They need me to be their refuge and their teacher.  They look to me for everything.  I want them to see a happy, healthy, less stressed mom than they do on most days.  

So, I have been mindful this month about my state of being and how it correlates to their state of being.  And, most of the time, I have to "just chill" and positive results follow.  How is your emotional status influencing those around you?  Are you giving off "good vibrations" or are you contaminating the environment?  Just Chill.  I'm trying it.

Everybody Needs A little Time Away

"Everybody needs a little time away.  I heard her say.  Even lovers need a holiday far away from each other."  Chicago sure had it right, didn't they?  Geesh.  I need a break.  Seriously.  Seriously!  The three year old is driving me out of my mind.  Please tell me it gets better.  Lie if you have to.  Lie away.  

Ryan is taking Avery to his parents for the weekend.  It will only be the second time we have not slept in the same house.  The first time was when I was in the hospital having Emery, just about a year ago.  But, this is the first time she will be leaving me.  I think we are both ready for it and in need of "a little time away".  

I think autonomy has a lot to do with it.  That girl is one independent child, one opinionated, controlling girl.  And, I know this because she gets it from me.  For about the past week we have been trying to control one another and then freaking out because we both feel out of control.  I know that she needs a break from me as much as I need one from her.  

That leaves me and the Em-ster at home, alone.  That means that I am going to have some actual alone time while she naps and sleeps.  What am I going to do with myself?  Here are a few ideas:

1.  Go over to the McCracken home library and pick out a book to sink myself into.

2.  Clean like the dickens and have the house stay "nice" for more than 10 seconds.

3.  Download music, legally.  

4.  Catch up on season two of Gilmore Girls.

5.  Cook what I want to eat.

6.  Go shopping with only one child in tow.

7.  Work on the basement for long periods of time while not entertaining a toddler, who would be making a mess in another part of the basement.

8.  Gather tons of stuff to donate.

9.  Work on some picture stuff - albums, clearing the hard drive of the 1700 photos that it carries daily, practice taking pictures, etc.

10.  Number ten is the most important and so deserves its own paragraph...

Number ten is all about phase two of sleep training.  Emery is pretty much sleeping through the night.  Now we must move her into her real bedroom, the one she is to share with Avery.  This weekend that crib is going to become a haven for Emery.  She is going to sleep in there at all times.  I am even taking down the crib in her closet room so that I will not be tempted.  I want that girl to love that crib by the time Sunday comes and sister is home.  Let's get to work!

So, yes.  I do have high aspirations for this weekend.  I will report back to let you know how it is going.  

Over-Thinker

Hi.  I'm Bethany and I'm an over-thinker.  Seriously, I am addicted to my thoughts.  I have been my whole life.  I recall my first obsession: the origin of my food.  I wanted to know where my mom had bought the food.  Did she get it at the store or from a farmer's market.  Could they trace back to the dairy where my milk was processed?  And, the real kicker, what did the face of the animal from which this meat came from look like?  Meat still bothers me.  I have had to learn to disassociate myself from the reality of its roots.  And, as I prepare meals for my family, make my cup of coffee, mix in my raw sugar, I wonder what the farm looks like, what the farmers look like, what the air is like in the place of their origins.  Confession number one of an over-thinker.

And, yes.  It gets in the way of my life.  I obsess over many things.  Here are just a few fresh from my mind this minute:

1.  Will Avery ever go to sleep quietly enough so that Emery can join her in their bedroom?

2.  Will this one car situation work out or am I too set in my ways to be flexible (thanks mom for letting me borrow your car when I feel the urge to go come on)?

3.  Will I ever lose these last 15 pounds?  I mean, really.  

4.  Just how awful will the 10 hour drive to the beach be?  

5.  Oh, here it comes again.  Will my kids ever share a room or will I have to share my bedroom with Emery for the next two years?

6.  Just how messed up are my kids going to be?

7.  Is the world coming to an end, because people seem to be really sad this week?

8.  Why is my alone time so important to me?

9.  Why can't I be more assertive?

10.  Will the chicken thaw enough?...oh, crap.  I forgot to take it out of the freezer.  Be back in one minute.

There.  10.  That's enough.  Trust me, there are more.  I suppose I find it impossible to rest my mind unless I am sleeping.  I am a good sleeper.  Once I am asleep, I am good to go.  Lights out, baby.  But, during the waking hours, there is no shutting down.  

Take the past 24 hours as an example.  Wednesday morning.  Up at 6:30am.  Morning feeding routine.  7am "playing" with the girls in their room turned into me cleaning out their closet.  I moved all of their hanging clothes into the "closet"/sewing room where Emery sleeps.  Four tension rods full of frills and pinkness all organized nicely.  I took 8 diaper boxes filled with hand-me-downs and out-of-season clothes to the basement.  Moved furniture.  Scrubbed floors.  Put Emery down for her nap at 9am.  Moved all of their toys into the new closet system.  Make Avery and Emery a small library in the closet.  11am took the girls to Target to get out of the house for an hour.  Noon.  Lunch and a quick dvd of Little Bear.  Nap time chaos begins.  I wanted to shoot for day 2 of the girls napping together.  After 45 minutes of nonsense, I gave up and put Emery in her closet room.  I needed the break.  2pm both girls are sleeping.  I go to the basement to clean and organize down there until 4pm when the girls wake up and I have to start dinner.  5-6:30pm dinner and family play time....bedtime at 8pm for the girls, movie time for Ryan and me.  Bedtime for us at 11:30.  6:15am girls are up and ready to go.  7am back up to play and finish cleaning the girls room.  8:20 drive Ryan to work....

Ryan calls it "Philling" around when I am like this, always on a project.  When I try to sit and let's say listen to music and relax, my mind starts racing with the millions of things that might better be done than rest.  Over-Thinking.  I think it's in my nature and in my nurture.  What's a mom to do?  And, you bet.  I can post pics of the girls room just as soon as Ryan gets around to hanging her ballet mirror, which will hopefully happen during this year.  It should be cute.