I Gotta Take This Call

You know, when God has a call on your husband's life, in any area of employment, that means that God has a call the wife's life as well. In our house, we believe that Ryan has been called to help people who are hurting. Wrapping our heads around what that will exactly look like isn't any easy thing, especially for our kids.

Avery often asks why daddy has to go to school, why he has to work so much, why he can't play all of the time. I was telling her how he is going to be a doctor and that he has to learn a lot in order to be a good one. She flipped out about not wanting him to be a doctor, as she doesn't want him to give shots. I told her he wasn't going to be that kind of doctor, but a doctor who helps people who feel sad, feel angry, feel lost, feel upset with hopes of making them feel better. She just didn't get it. And, to be honest, some adults don't get it. And, being even more honest, sometimes I don't get how it is all going to work out and I just want to say For-get-it.

But, what I do know is that as I trust God with the life of my husband and with my own life, I don't have to understand as much. I don't have to figure it all out. I don't have to make all of the plans. I can just trust and hope and watch as God makes the paths straight. And while I don't have lots of letters after my name stating what I am qualified to do, I know that the support and love that I provide to my husband working towards those special letters is even more valuable.

If I believe that God has a plan for Ryan, that God wants to use Ryan to His good, than I have to believe that God has a plan for me as well. And, if supporting Ryan and helping him to see this dream become a reality is my job right now, I want to do it well. While I may have lots of plans and wishes for my own life, while it is natural for me to want to stay in a comfortable place surrounded by the people that I love, I Gotta Take This Call.

Gray Matters

I am joining a church.  Gasp.  I know.  I have gone to church my whole life and have been a part of many great churches; however, I have never been an official member.  So, huge deal for me.  My homework for this week was to write a quick thing about faith in my life, how I have seen Christ working in my life.  I had to make a chart of the ups and downs of my faith as well, which was an interesting assignment.  Here is what I came up with.  I feel that it is kind of weak, but I am not sure what I want to change yet.  Gray matters may be popping up here again, but this is the first draft:

Gray Matters

 

There isn’t a time that I can recall where Jesus wasn’t a part of my life.  I was raised in a home where faith, hope, and love were the center of our being, where attending church was more important than sports, where we prayed together everyday, where we shared our issues, where we ate dinner as a family, and traipsed around town supporting one another in our various individual activities.  My parents became radically saved, a term familiar to me as we attended an evangelical church, about a year before my birth.  Prior to this new lifestyle with Christ, they had been sowing their wild oats and living a life of self that ended not working out as planned.  My mother recalls how my dad was speaking in tongues and making sure that she was “really saved” during my birth.  Not may people can say that they had an entrance like this.  Out I popped into a world that looked fairly black and white.

While my father was quite loud about his faith, my mother was more reserved or reverent.  Together I was raised by an oil and vinegar type of faith, both different, both unique, both good.  For this most part, this was an awesome experience, but at times I wondered how I was to live out my faith.  Like dad or like mom.  Today, I am finding more and more that I need my own style and I am excited about that.  And, so, from the early days of my life, God was present in my everyday life.  I am thankful for this foundation.  Like black and white, I was raised by two extreme styles of faith, and I sort of became gray. 

As I grew into adolescence, I believed that the world was black and white: a sin was a sin.  There seemed to be no middle ground.  I prayed, mostly out of fear, for the salvation of everyone that I knew.  I invited kids, who I now believe to be Christians, to my church because I wanted the to be “more saved”.  While I know now that worship services might look and sound different, and what matters is who is being worshipped, I didn’t get that then.  It was a faith lesson that I wish I had learned earlier.   It was during this time that I realized that the Church was made up of man, not always a good thing.  I had to get back to the fact that my identity needed to be in Christ, not in man. 

It seems that soon enough I was at Grove City College, where I met Ryan and things started to really change for me.  My world of black and white was starting to find hues of different shades.  Ryan is a thinker.  He challenges me to do the same.  For good, he wrecked my world of neat and clean concepts.  Out of his love of man and compassion for the hurting, he showed me that I needed to redefine a few things.  Christ brought to me a partner in life who would not make me comfortable with the easy way out.  To this day, we continue to work on a faith that is unlike anything I have ever experienced.  Boy, it is difficult sometimes to be stretched this much. 

Now, I wait for Christ.  I wait to hear what he has for me today.  This outlook of compassion and kindness helps me to focus on showing the love of Christ.  I continue to need the reminder that my identity is in Christ, that my desire is to honor Him, that my every day needs to be about Him.  I get dazed and stunned by the world at times.  Out of balance I become, focusing on pleasing man, about being good enough, smart enough, and I have to be re-centered.  Thankfully, as you might know, Christ welcomes me.  So, here I am today, out of obedience, out of a desire to know Him and be known by Him,  And, gray matters.  That’s where people fall, in the cracks of life, needing love, needing Him.  I’m excited about that.  

Identity Crisis

Remember how I told you that this play group thing was a big deal?  How it was more than about healthy play time for toddlers?  How possibly it was about me needing to have some work done?  Well, I was right.  And, I haven't even scratched the surface of it.  

Amongst 20 toddlers playing dress up, tooting a trolly whistle, stacking groceries, and scooping pretend ice cream cones, I got a sermon in seconds.  A friend that I have known for nearly two decades opened her mouth and out came truth.  I got smacked in the face with the reality of me, and that slap just kept rerunning in my mind all day long.  I couldn't get over it.  Because, as you might have guessed, I'm not over it.  

You see, I asked her child to come play with my girls one day last week.  She took some time to do some shopping and possibly just get some of that precious alone time that moms desperately need and rarely get.  I was so happy to help her.  My girls liked having a friend over.  To me, it was a pleasure to do.  I didn't really think a second about it.  

Being the kind woman that she is, this friend of mine immediately offered to return the favor.  I brushed her off, saying how busy my girls are, how Emery can't be trusted, how it would be too much work.  

Can you guess what this friend said?  She told me that I have an issue with being self-sufficient, that I always have to do things on my own, that I don't let people help me.  Wow.  How did she get into my head?  She cut right to the core of most all of my issues with that sermon of seconds.  For the next 12 hours, I mulled over what she had to say.  

That night, last night, I was listening to TD Jakes once again, and while I liked the sermon, I kept waiting for something just for me.  When the podcast was nearly over and my eyes were getting heavy, I heard confirmation of my issue.  Bishop talked about how my debt is owed to Christ, about how it doesn't matter who loves me on Earth, but that what really matters is who I am in Christ.  Slap, slap, slap.  

It just keeps coming back to this.  This is the lesson I keep hearing and fail to really learn.  Who am I in Christ?  I guess I am having an identity crisis and I need to find the answer.  I thought I knew, I thought my identity was in Him, but looking back I can see where I was wanting the favor of man, the love of man, the praise of man.  

God, you are my God.  There is no other before you.  It is my desire to be found in your will, to be the person who you know that I can be.  I want to be full and complete in you.  I want to look to serve you only.  I know that by doing this, all of my voids will be made full.  I trust in you.  I seek you first.  Thank you for my friend who spoke your truth to me.  Thank you for using her.  God, may this gathering of parents and their sweet kids continue to be a place where you are uplifted, where you light can be seen, where your love can be shared.  God, I continue to be excited about what you are doing.  Please continue to put people into my life who will hold me accountable.  Teach us to be true friends.  Thank you.  Amen.

Setback or Comeback

I have been away trying to live out some of the things that I have been writing about, leaving much less time for typing.  The blogs have been running through my mind, just not making it on to the screen.  

One thing new in our family life has to do with the radio.  We love music in our house, all kinds of it.  Ryan leans towards Classic Rock; I like anything smooth and soulful.  I don't want you to get a purist impression here, but we are trying to filter out some unnecessary evils from little ears.  Quickly, I am only playing Christian music in the car, and at home we are listening to Christian music about 85% of the time.  This has really helped me to stay focused on good and uplifting things, while not having to worry about the little people in my house getting a mind full, and then a mouth full, and then a body full of things that just aren't worth their lives.  We have been doing this for a month, and now I am ready for a new challenge.

There are two other areas of my life where I was using secular music or media to fill my time:  exercising and down time in the evening.  Let me tell you, some of my workout songs have some sweet beats and can really push me to the next level; however, I would be embarassed if you caught me singing along in public as their lyrics are not so sweet.  And, during my down time, I usually facebook a million times, check various pop gossip sites, and virtual shop.  Pointless, most of the time.  So, my new goal for this month is replacing one half hour of this type of media with a more positive brand.  

Yesterday, I watched a podcast of TD Jakes entitled "Do It Again" while doing the elliptical at the gym.  Seriously, I was so excited about what he was saying that my three miles passed right by.  I only wish I had the balance to raise my hands a couple times, especially when he said, "sometimes a setback is just an opportunity for a comeback"!  Really, look that podcast up.  It is life changing.  I am excited to see how replacing this not-so-good media with something positive and potentially life changing works out.  You know I will keep you posted.  

Get out there and live life.  Want to join in some replacing?  I would love to encourage you!  And, just like the Bishop says, "that setback might be an opportunity for a comeback".  I love it.  Go live it!