Mother's Day

Mother's Day wasn't always a happy day for me. When I heard my doctor warn of possible infertility, a whole new silence entered my world. To me, it was unfathomable. I had always wanted to be a mother, people always commented on how I would make a good mom, my heart knew I was a natural mommy. This couldn't be right. This isn't what my life looks like. This isn't what I had planned.
The following months of trying, while not as difficult as some have, were trying for me. The medicine, the diet, the timing and scheduling. The bloodwork, waiting for results, the failures, the trying again. The tears, the hope, the anger, the frustration, the shame. I still could not fathome it. I still would not accept it.
Those months were times of uncertainity for me to become certain of one thing: that God would be enough. Period. That while my heart was broken, I could praise him. That while I could not believe what was happening, that I could accept it. That while I felt hopeless, I would persue hope. I wrote in my journal, I made cds, I wrote prayers, I made up songs, I laid hands on my belly. I waited and trusted; I spoke firmly and loudly while accepting silence.
Months passed. It was devestating to even see children. Pregnant women brought me to tears. I mourned. We kept trying. And, somehow, God made a miracle in my womb. A baby for us. That is the Mother's Day that I celebrate, the day when I became a mother.
I don't know why I faced infertility for that phase in my life. I don't know why it was hard for us and so easy for others. But, I know that it matters. That those months were character shaping. That those times of longing make me appreciative everyday for my babies.
I know some of you reading this are struggling now with a loss of hope. To you, I just want to hug you and cry with you. And, I know some of you have been in my shoes and are now mothers to children born of other parents. And, to you I just want to cheer. What an honor to be friends with you and your children. The adoption process seems so painstaking, like a treat is being dangled before you, making you jump and do tricks for your reward. I cheer you on. I hug you for the triumph that is yours and your childs.
I know that being a mom is not easy. And, I know we would all like a little pampering and appreciation on our speical Mother's Day, but tomorrow I am going to celebrate my girls. They make me a mom.
God, you answered my prayer to become a mother. You did this for me in such a big way. I know that my struggle is worth something to you. Let me be used for this in some way. This is my offering...