Once a Mom

Once you become a mom, the whole world changes.  People become more human, stories become more personal, life becomes more complicated.  Every child you see, good or bad, beautiful or not, seems lovable.  And, every mother you see, well maybe not every mother,  is a potential friend.  Catty pasts, differing cultural or religious differences, parenting styles, marital status, economic ladder position, clothing store preference - none of these things matter much.  One mom looks another mother in the eyes and just knows -- she's held a sick baby, she's wiped tears, she's been up all night, she's had it and kept smiling and playing anyways, she's given up her idea of a fun day to appease a toddler, she's waited to hear the sweet sound of a baby crying after too long of silence in the crib, she's...she's... she's...The list just goes on and on.  Becoming a mom is like joining an amazing, exclusive club, and one of the major perks of membership is compassion.

And, when I heard about baby Silas (just click on his name to read his story), I found myself crying.  And, it took me a few days to figure out why I was hit so hard by this, why I was so emotionally involved, why I couldn't stop thinking about him and praying for him.  While I am sure that more will surface, I have come up with a few ideas.  

First of all, it brought up a lot of memories of Avery's birth.  While Avery didn't have anything nearly, nearly, nearly as serious as Silas, I could relate to the feeling of having your baby abruptly taken from you and rushed to the NICU.  I could relate to the waiting on and wondering when your baby would be returned to you.  I could relate to the scary and awful feeling of wondering if your new baby was going to be alright.  In fact, I think that this is the main reason why I can't stop thinking about Silas.  I was so busy, so trying to put on a good face, so hormonal, so tired, so scared those first few days with Avery, that I wasn't really present.  I suppose I allowed myself to emotionally respond hearing a similar story, even if it is nearly three years later.  

Then there's the question of why.  Why God would you let this happen?  What good is going to come from this?  Why does this baby have to struggle?  I wondered about Avery's birth.  Why was it so hard for her, for us?  What was really going on that we weren't being told by the doctors?  And, then there comes the questions like:  What will Avery think of her birth story?  What will she think of those marks that will be on her back for life from her delivery?  Would either of us be alive if we had lived in a previous time?  Parents must have these questions running through our minds constantly.  And, when we pray, when we beg of God for mercy and protection, and don't get the answer we were asking for, how do we then respond?  

I have to believe that even small struggles have meaning.  While I prayed for a smooth and easy delivery of Avery, I got just about the opposite.  The end result is still amazing, still wonderful, but not how I had imagined it would be.  And, I believe that something awesome is going to come from Avery's birth struggle.  Someday.  She has a special story and I am sure it will influence her life.  And, Silas, while we try to pray perfectly for you, we know that God has an amazing plan for your life.  Our words can't even touch the greatness that God has in mind for you.  Who knows how God is going to us this part of your life for His glory.  You are all probably already singing it, but I will go ahead and quote Sage Garth "some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers".  

Lastly, I have a bit of a confession.  I worry.  Alot.  Deep inside of me, I feel that I would like to have another child.  (Ryan, on the other hand, is totally fine with two and never wants to have to cater to a crying infant again.) However, I keep thinking that there's one more little girl inside of me.  And, I worry that odds are against me.  I worry that I already have two really healthy girls and that there's a big chance of something going wrong if there's a next time.  Ryan studies statistics, we talk about odds and percentages all of the time.  I hear stories like that of Silas and I am scared.  Could I handle that fear, that worry?  Would it break me, beat me?  The things that I can imagine going wrong are just awful.  How selfish of a response is this!  Why is it all about me?  About my worries?  There is a young, sweet family facing such hardship and I am nightmaring about my own life.  But, I needed to be honest with you.  After all, most of you are in my mom club and have these same kind of thoughts, and honesty keeps me sane. 

And, so Silas, I am sure that there are so many people who have already been touched by your story, and one of those is me.  You have made me reflect once again about being a mom, about being a mom of faith, of hope, and of love. I was able to face some fears and confront some emotions because of you.  I don't know why this has happened to you or your family, but I am sure that you are going to be told stories like mine for years to come.  

Silas is still fighting to be fully well.  Join me in praying for him and his family.  I pray especially for his mom, as she is part of my club.  We are forever forged by motherhood.