My Self Requires a Savior

On a quest towards sanctification, I discovered self: self-sufficiency, self-righteousness, and maybe one other self along with way. While I was busy trying to be covered in the blood and walking in the spirit, I kept tripping on all of this junk, all of this baggage, all of this me. When I finally realized that it was me that was standing in between God and myself, I wanted, and still am trying to figure out, how to get out of the way.

I always have a plan, a back up plan, and another pretty sweet plan waiting in the wings of just-in-case. I consider myself an excellent multi-tasker. This very moment, I have two huge pots of spaghetti sauce and meatballs cooking, a chocolate cake cooling, icing whipping, coffee brewing, and a load of laundry washing. All of this while trying to articulate my need for a savior, as if it isn’t obvious. I rarely ask for help. I take pride in doing things well on my own. And while this keeps me busy enough that I don’t have time to be bored, I am realizing that there is a major issue permeating all areas of my life. Trust. I don’t trust people to do things well enough for me. I worry that I will have to do it all over again, anyways. While I pride myself for being self sufficient, I push those that I love away. I have hurt friends, my husband, and my God by trying to do life on my own. Not only do I need earthly and practical help of the people in my every day life, but I need my Savior in my everyday life. I can no longer fool myself into believing that I can do all things through me. I am pretty sure that isn’t what Philippians 4:13 says at all.

Following, I stumbled on the harsh words of self-righteousness. Me? Really? I love God. I want him in my life. I need God. But, the reality is that I don’t really know how much I need God. I don’t realize my need for a savior because I ignore and brush off a lot of my sin. My sins – anger, being judgmental, impatience, gluttony, lustfulness, etc.- are so everyday, so minute by minute that they are easy to brush off, easy to justify. However, I realize that this is a lie. No matter the human view of a sin and its depth, a sin is a sin. And, for that very reason, I need a savior. And while it is hard for me to do, I trust in Him for my forgiveness. I trust in Him to fill me with more of himself as I make room for Him. I trust in Him. I trust.

Trust. It isn’t easy for me. I want to do it all on my own. I want to be in control. I want to be the boss. But, if I am to be a follower of Christ, that isn’t possible. I have to surrender to Him. I have to be happy about the fact that God is in control. I want to find joy in that. I want to find peace in that. Really, I need to. I need to trust. And, as I want to be wholly committed, overwhelmingly joyful, and truly excited about following Christ, I have to keep working on getting rid of those ugly “self” words that keep getting in the way. Self-sufficiency and self-righteousness are a lie. The only self I want is self-awareness so that I can be sure that I am allowing God to work fully in my life, less of me and more of Him.

This was my third and last installment of my thoughts during my membership classes at church. This Sunday I will be baptized and made an official member.

I Gotta Take This Call

You know, when God has a call on your husband's life, in any area of employment, that means that God has a call the wife's life as well. In our house, we believe that Ryan has been called to help people who are hurting. Wrapping our heads around what that will exactly look like isn't any easy thing, especially for our kids.

Avery often asks why daddy has to go to school, why he has to work so much, why he can't play all of the time. I was telling her how he is going to be a doctor and that he has to learn a lot in order to be a good one. She flipped out about not wanting him to be a doctor, as she doesn't want him to give shots. I told her he wasn't going to be that kind of doctor, but a doctor who helps people who feel sad, feel angry, feel lost, feel upset with hopes of making them feel better. She just didn't get it. And, to be honest, some adults don't get it. And, being even more honest, sometimes I don't get how it is all going to work out and I just want to say For-get-it.

But, what I do know is that as I trust God with the life of my husband and with my own life, I don't have to understand as much. I don't have to figure it all out. I don't have to make all of the plans. I can just trust and hope and watch as God makes the paths straight. And while I don't have lots of letters after my name stating what I am qualified to do, I know that the support and love that I provide to my husband working towards those special letters is even more valuable.

If I believe that God has a plan for Ryan, that God wants to use Ryan to His good, than I have to believe that God has a plan for me as well. And, if supporting Ryan and helping him to see this dream become a reality is my job right now, I want to do it well. While I may have lots of plans and wishes for my own life, while it is natural for me to want to stay in a comfortable place surrounded by the people that I love, I Gotta Take This Call.

Gray Matters

I am joining a church.  Gasp.  I know.  I have gone to church my whole life and have been a part of many great churches; however, I have never been an official member.  So, huge deal for me.  My homework for this week was to write a quick thing about faith in my life, how I have seen Christ working in my life.  I had to make a chart of the ups and downs of my faith as well, which was an interesting assignment.  Here is what I came up with.  I feel that it is kind of weak, but I am not sure what I want to change yet.  Gray matters may be popping up here again, but this is the first draft:

Gray Matters

 

There isn’t a time that I can recall where Jesus wasn’t a part of my life.  I was raised in a home where faith, hope, and love were the center of our being, where attending church was more important than sports, where we prayed together everyday, where we shared our issues, where we ate dinner as a family, and traipsed around town supporting one another in our various individual activities.  My parents became radically saved, a term familiar to me as we attended an evangelical church, about a year before my birth.  Prior to this new lifestyle with Christ, they had been sowing their wild oats and living a life of self that ended not working out as planned.  My mother recalls how my dad was speaking in tongues and making sure that she was “really saved” during my birth.  Not may people can say that they had an entrance like this.  Out I popped into a world that looked fairly black and white.

While my father was quite loud about his faith, my mother was more reserved or reverent.  Together I was raised by an oil and vinegar type of faith, both different, both unique, both good.  For this most part, this was an awesome experience, but at times I wondered how I was to live out my faith.  Like dad or like mom.  Today, I am finding more and more that I need my own style and I am excited about that.  And, so, from the early days of my life, God was present in my everyday life.  I am thankful for this foundation.  Like black and white, I was raised by two extreme styles of faith, and I sort of became gray. 

As I grew into adolescence, I believed that the world was black and white: a sin was a sin.  There seemed to be no middle ground.  I prayed, mostly out of fear, for the salvation of everyone that I knew.  I invited kids, who I now believe to be Christians, to my church because I wanted the to be “more saved”.  While I know now that worship services might look and sound different, and what matters is who is being worshipped, I didn’t get that then.  It was a faith lesson that I wish I had learned earlier.   It was during this time that I realized that the Church was made up of man, not always a good thing.  I had to get back to the fact that my identity needed to be in Christ, not in man. 

It seems that soon enough I was at Grove City College, where I met Ryan and things started to really change for me.  My world of black and white was starting to find hues of different shades.  Ryan is a thinker.  He challenges me to do the same.  For good, he wrecked my world of neat and clean concepts.  Out of his love of man and compassion for the hurting, he showed me that I needed to redefine a few things.  Christ brought to me a partner in life who would not make me comfortable with the easy way out.  To this day, we continue to work on a faith that is unlike anything I have ever experienced.  Boy, it is difficult sometimes to be stretched this much. 

Now, I wait for Christ.  I wait to hear what he has for me today.  This outlook of compassion and kindness helps me to focus on showing the love of Christ.  I continue to need the reminder that my identity is in Christ, that my desire is to honor Him, that my every day needs to be about Him.  I get dazed and stunned by the world at times.  Out of balance I become, focusing on pleasing man, about being good enough, smart enough, and I have to be re-centered.  Thankfully, as you might know, Christ welcomes me.  So, here I am today, out of obedience, out of a desire to know Him and be known by Him,  And, gray matters.  That’s where people fall, in the cracks of life, needing love, needing Him.  I’m excited about that.  

Identity Crisis

Remember how I told you that this play group thing was a big deal?  How it was more than about healthy play time for toddlers?  How possibly it was about me needing to have some work done?  Well, I was right.  And, I haven't even scratched the surface of it.  

Amongst 20 toddlers playing dress up, tooting a trolly whistle, stacking groceries, and scooping pretend ice cream cones, I got a sermon in seconds.  A friend that I have known for nearly two decades opened her mouth and out came truth.  I got smacked in the face with the reality of me, and that slap just kept rerunning in my mind all day long.  I couldn't get over it.  Because, as you might have guessed, I'm not over it.  

You see, I asked her child to come play with my girls one day last week.  She took some time to do some shopping and possibly just get some of that precious alone time that moms desperately need and rarely get.  I was so happy to help her.  My girls liked having a friend over.  To me, it was a pleasure to do.  I didn't really think a second about it.  

Being the kind woman that she is, this friend of mine immediately offered to return the favor.  I brushed her off, saying how busy my girls are, how Emery can't be trusted, how it would be too much work.  

Can you guess what this friend said?  She told me that I have an issue with being self-sufficient, that I always have to do things on my own, that I don't let people help me.  Wow.  How did she get into my head?  She cut right to the core of most all of my issues with that sermon of seconds.  For the next 12 hours, I mulled over what she had to say.  

That night, last night, I was listening to TD Jakes once again, and while I liked the sermon, I kept waiting for something just for me.  When the podcast was nearly over and my eyes were getting heavy, I heard confirmation of my issue.  Bishop talked about how my debt is owed to Christ, about how it doesn't matter who loves me on Earth, but that what really matters is who I am in Christ.  Slap, slap, slap.  

It just keeps coming back to this.  This is the lesson I keep hearing and fail to really learn.  Who am I in Christ?  I guess I am having an identity crisis and I need to find the answer.  I thought I knew, I thought my identity was in Him, but looking back I can see where I was wanting the favor of man, the love of man, the praise of man.  

God, you are my God.  There is no other before you.  It is my desire to be found in your will, to be the person who you know that I can be.  I want to be full and complete in you.  I want to look to serve you only.  I know that by doing this, all of my voids will be made full.  I trust in you.  I seek you first.  Thank you for my friend who spoke your truth to me.  Thank you for using her.  God, may this gathering of parents and their sweet kids continue to be a place where you are uplifted, where you light can be seen, where your love can be shared.  God, I continue to be excited about what you are doing.  Please continue to put people into my life who will hold me accountable.  Teach us to be true friends.  Thank you.  Amen.

Setback or Comeback

I have been away trying to live out some of the things that I have been writing about, leaving much less time for typing.  The blogs have been running through my mind, just not making it on to the screen.  

One thing new in our family life has to do with the radio.  We love music in our house, all kinds of it.  Ryan leans towards Classic Rock; I like anything smooth and soulful.  I don't want you to get a purist impression here, but we are trying to filter out some unnecessary evils from little ears.  Quickly, I am only playing Christian music in the car, and at home we are listening to Christian music about 85% of the time.  This has really helped me to stay focused on good and uplifting things, while not having to worry about the little people in my house getting a mind full, and then a mouth full, and then a body full of things that just aren't worth their lives.  We have been doing this for a month, and now I am ready for a new challenge.

There are two other areas of my life where I was using secular music or media to fill my time:  exercising and down time in the evening.  Let me tell you, some of my workout songs have some sweet beats and can really push me to the next level; however, I would be embarassed if you caught me singing along in public as their lyrics are not so sweet.  And, during my down time, I usually facebook a million times, check various pop gossip sites, and virtual shop.  Pointless, most of the time.  So, my new goal for this month is replacing one half hour of this type of media with a more positive brand.  

Yesterday, I watched a podcast of TD Jakes entitled "Do It Again" while doing the elliptical at the gym.  Seriously, I was so excited about what he was saying that my three miles passed right by.  I only wish I had the balance to raise my hands a couple times, especially when he said, "sometimes a setback is just an opportunity for a comeback"!  Really, look that podcast up.  It is life changing.  I am excited to see how replacing this not-so-good media with something positive and potentially life changing works out.  You know I will keep you posted.  

Get out there and live life.  Want to join in some replacing?  I would love to encourage you!  And, just like the Bishop says, "that setback might be an opportunity for a comeback".  I love it.  Go live it!

What are You Doing?

God, I often wonder what You are doing in my life.  I wonder why you and how you are so careful with me.  In my everydayness, you are present.  I see you working right now and I know that it isn't just for today or just for me.  Thank you for being present in my life, always.  Amen.

When our pool closed this summer, I was at a loss.  What was I going to do with all of my time?  How was I going to stay sane with two kids ALL WINTER LONG?  

September came and brought many warm and sunny days.  And, I kept running into the same moms around town, trying to keep busy, trying to make the most of their days at home with small children.  And, so, I got the idea to start a play group.  

Our group is called Park Play Group, as my hope was that we would be able to meet at parks around town for the most of fall...And, really, I didn't think that more than a handful of moms would want to come, so I thought they could come to my house when the weather got bad.  In just a few weeks, I have over 2o moms (and two dads), making for over 35 kids on my list.  Wow.  To say the least, I am thrilled.  But, I am overwhelmed, too.  We don't have a winter home.  We have plans for fun things like zoos and museums, etc., but I want to keep this simple and inexpensive.  So, I have called my PPG counsel to prayer, and I anticipate great things.  

I haven't felt this excited or passionate about anything in such a long time.  I know that God has called me to lead this play group.  I don't know the full reason why, but I know some of the answer.  I need mom friends.  Period.  I want to surround myself with a core of moms who love God and love their kids and love their husbands.  I want to learn from them, I want their kids to be friends with my kids, I want parents with whom I can do life.  And, I think I can see God working on that.  I really want my life to count.  I know that I am called to stay at home with my kids right now.  I really feel strongly about that.  But, my life can be about more than just them.  And, I don't think that this is all about me either.  Something is going on in someone else's life.  I just don't know who or what.  And, that doesn't really matter.  What matters is that I am being available to be used.

So, I sit here really excited and really anxious all at the same time.  I feel very responsible for this group.  I love what is happening here in our little town.  I want it to last.  So, I'm prayer for our winter home.  

God,  Thank you for what you are doing in Park Play Group.  Thank you for the people who are coming out to be involved.  Thank you for the people who are praying for our group and for our winter home.  You have created this group.  You have put together parents as friends, as teachers, as supporters.  You are watching as our kids play.  You are listening as we talk.  Work in all of us.  Let our group be an honor to you.  God, provide a home for us.  Let our group be used to show love, to show generosity, to show kindness.  God let our group show others You.  Amen.

Partner

Marriage.  It is the most unexpected journey that I have ever been on.  I had ideas about what being married would be like.  I had a good example in my parents who sat at the kitchen table after work, shared a cup of coffee, and talked about their day.  I peaked at my dad kneeling beside my mom's bedside to pray with her.  I saw them grin at one another when a favorite song would come on the radio.  The grin was followed by songs and swaying, their minds drifting to a time of early love and simpler times.  My brother and sister had working marriages.  I was there to witness their lives change from newly weds, to foundational partners, to new parents, to established spouses.  I was surrounded by people who worked on their relationships.  

I was exposed to the reality that love takes work.  I saw my brother and sister come to my parents, seeking wisdom in how to make love work.  

In their vulnerability, I found strength.  In their resistance to complacency, my heart was etched with the truth that love is an action.  Still, with all of this, I had no idea what I was getting into.  

Ryan and I have been married for over eight years.  We have lived in three different states and had five totally different financial situations.  We have had spiritual highs and we have been in the depths of fear and questioning.  We have faced infertility, joblessness, and a devoid marital vision.  We have screamed, begged, cried, searched for answers.  We have seen glory, peace, and hope in answered prayers.  We have two beautiful girls.  We have a safe and warm home.  We eat well and sleep well.  While there have been sharp turns, unpaved roads, and dark alleys, this journey is sweet.  

My partner and I feel an urgency to look to The Father for our direction.  We call to prayer, the Bible, and His Spirit to be our GPS along the way.  There are many wishes and wants that I have for my family and for myself, but, above all, I want each of us to know God and to be known by Him.  Then, the rest all sort of falls in place.  

If you haven't already, you should watch Fireproof.  It has challenged me to be more direct and purposeful in my love for Ryan.  But, I learned more than this from the film.  I learned that parents need to hold their children up to a standard when dealing with relationships of all kinds.  Besides setting an example, parents need to have an open dialogue with their kids about their actions and their feelings.  Just watch the movie, you'll see what I am talking about.  Go in with the right attitude, and it just might change your life.  

Yo Big Sisser

I know.  What is this, sibling week or something?  But, I've been doing some thinking.  I mean, really.  Why do I like my brother and sister?  Sure, they're family.  But, what about them is great, is unique, is wonderful?  Were they not blood, what about them would make me want to have them in my life?  You see, I think that people should be more aware about relationships.  Being mindful of other people, being knowledgeable about who they are and why you love them, helps to refine your friendship.  And, so I have been thinking about the people in my life.  And, why not start with family?

Leah is my older sister by 10 years.  She is kind and thoughtful.  She is funny without trying.  She is a delightful hostess, wonderful cook, and a great task manager.  Let me elaborate.  If you ask Leah to do something for you, she gets the job done.  She makes the phone calls, she sets the meetings, she takes the notes, makes the coffee, and cleans up afterwards.  She is as reliable as they come.  

And, what a party planner this girl can be.  She welcomes people into her home openly.  If you are hungry, she feeds you.  If you are lonely, she will hug you and love on you until you feel well again.  If you need a laugh, the girl has got some stories (Now, it will take her a long time to tell them, as she is a bit of a bunny trailer, but part of that is humorous, too.).  And, if you can get her to laugh really hard - eyes shut, nostrils flaring, foot stomping - you are nearly guaranteed to pee your pants.  The girl is a good time.

There have been many long days for me this season in my life.  Ryan has had long hours and night classes, and I have been "stuck" with two kids for too long.  Leah is always there to invite me for lunch and even to stay for dinner if we need to.  She makes sure that my kids know that they are loved by her, and I mean LOVED.  She watched Avery for me when I had to work at Starbucks a few years ago.  She did that for me.  She watched my baby so that I wouldn't have to put her in daycare.  Her kids have no idea how great they have it.  She is so supportive of them.  And, Danny, wow, he's got a great wife.  

Seriously, I have never heard someone say anything bad about my sister.  Never.  Instead, they always want to know what she is doing and how she is doing.  Because she cares about people, they care about her.  

Leah is my sister and all of the goodness that comes with being sisters.  We have never fought.  And, I know, we are 10 years apart.  But, I love her too much to ever see her down.  She's my girl.  And just like she used to write on all of those packages she would send to Grove City, she is my BIG SISSER.  

I hope you have some thinking to do about who you love and why you love them.  Gossip all about that kind of good stuff.  Hug them so hard.  Love all over them.  That's the good stuff of life.  Live it.

I Jumped to my Feet

Although he likes to tell people otherwise, my brother is 11 years older than me.  While he was lifetimes ahead of me, I loved trying to keep up with him and all that he had going on.  I remember asking my parents if I could do my homework while watching tv, if I could have a Walk-man, and if I could wear my tennis shoes untied.  All, of course, were no.  The best option I had was to follow him when ever he would allow it.  When I was in third grade, my brother left for college and I couldn't really follow him there.  

Off he went to the University of Pittsburgh, where he would learn to be a metallurgist, a leader, an individual, where he would play soccer for the blue and gold, where he would live far away and I would be sad without him.  I was so proud of him.  I didn't really know what college meant, but I knew that it was a big deal.  And, so that first fall, we made several trips to Pittsburgh to visit my brother.   I recall the trips going something like this:  Being picked up early from school, my mom having packed my Cabbage Patch Kids lunch box with lots of snacks, the family wearing Polo shirts, sweats, and sweaters all in blue and gold.   We would get to the game early, finding a seat was easy in the huge stadium, as soccer didn't get much support.  I would spend the next few hours doing cartwheels and running around the arena, being sure to make friends with everyone.  Afterwards, we would follow my brother up to the field house so that he could change before going out to dinner.  

This tradition went on for the next four years.  My brother earned honors both on and off the soccer field.  Years later, ten years to be exact, I found myself at that same arena.  My brother was on the field playing with another alumni and the current Panther team.  I watched as he took the ball down the field and scored an awesome goal.  And, just like all of those times before, I jumped to my feet and yelled, "That's my brother!"  I guess it was sort of loud as the players on the field all looked up to see who this sister must be.  

While I don't get to watch him play soccer much anymore, the cheers haven't stopped.  I watch him with greater pride now.  As a dad, as a husband, as a son, as a friend - I still get the urge to jump and yell.  He's my brother, and I am really proud of that.

Avery Goes to School

Avery, my baby girl, my three year old, had her first day of school today.  We have been talking about school, driving by school, visiting school since January when we registered, but, I think for both of us, it was a time somewhere off in the distance.  Even last night, it still seemed unrealistically close.  

And, so this morning, we got dressed a lot faster than normal.  I worked on keeping everything as calm and relaxed as possible.  And, by the time 8:30 rolled around and she started asking, "Mama, what-we-goin' do-a-day", I knew it was time to ease her into what was really going on.  School, Avery.  You are going to school today.  Crying, came.  I told her it was a special day just for us, just for Avery and Mommy and Daddy.  The idea of it being something special that we were all going to do together, made it better, for all of us.

When we arrived at "the castle school" as Avery likes to say, there were fun signs and balloons all over.  Avery was asking about a party going on and if we could go.  I will keep it short.  Her teachers were great, her class seems nice (there were 9 kids there, I guess two were sick or something, and it seems that it is half boys and half girls), and she only cried for a few minutes when we went up for the parents meeting.  I fought back tears walking down the hall and during the meeting.  I kept wondering how she was doing.  I was praying for her to mind a friend.  Her teachers said that she asked for me often, but that she played well and was kind.  I think her favorite part was her cubby where she has a shelf and some hooks for her things.  That's my girl.  

She said tonight that she didn't want to go back to school tomorrow, so it is good that she has a day off.  I will report about how Thursday goes when she will be there by herself.  Thanks for all of the prayers and well wishes.  She sure is special to me.  

Mom's Apple Dumplings

I'm a little teary-eyed looking at the recipe for these apple dumplings. I have them on an old card, hand-written by my mother, as a gift when I got married. She used to make them for us for dinner some nights when my dad had a meeting. We would eat them warm, out of the oven, with milk or cream overtop. My brother and I both just love these. Here is something to try as apples come into a wonderful season. PS Skip making the dough and use a frozen pie crust. I won't tell.

2 C. sugar
2C. Water
1/4 t cinnamon
1/4 t nutmeg
1/4 C Butter
2 C flour
1 t salt
2 t baking powder
3/4 C shortening
1/2 C milk

Make syrup by combining sugar, water, spices, and butter. Bring to a boil and cook for five minutes. Let simmer while making dumplings.
Make pastry by cutting shortening into flour, salt, and baking powered. Stir in milk and blend. SKIP THE PASTRY AND USE FROZEN PIE DOUGH FOR A REALLY FAST TREAT.
Cut pastry into 6 squares. Sprinkle with sugar, fill with sliced apples. Fold corners over. Put into a baking dish. Cover with entire amount of syrup. Bake at 375 for 35 minutes. Fall in love. For a real treat, eat while warm and cover with milk or cream.

When I Was 18

My niece, Lauren, turns 18 today.  She is such a joy.  I was only 12 when she was born, so she is part sister, part daughter, part friend.  I love having her in my life.  I enjoy going through life - ups and downs - with her.  Mean girls, boyfriends, high school, college plans, learning to drive - I have had the opportunity to digest life with her.

And, it got me thinking.  What was life like for me when I was her age?  What were my wishes, my fears, my hopes, my secrets?  What would the me today say to the me of then?  In my mind, I sit on my bed - old and new me- and old me says this to young me:

1.  What you do now really does matter.  The choices, they matter, big and small.  Not to make you feel more pressure, but that is the reality.  Who you date, who you allow to be your friends, where you go, how you spend your money, how you treat people, how you act in school - it all matters.  People are watching.  People remember.  And, so the good news is that making good choices will pay off.  And, if you need some second chances, there is room for those as well.  But life always seems to trickle down to its origin.  You will find yourself with these same people in your life again, so having them on your "team" will be a good thing.  

2.  While seeming to contradict what I just said about securing your foundation, be sure to branch out a bit.  You don't have to do what is predicted.  Just do what you love.  Go with your gut.  Trust your own instincts.  Sometimes we allow the voices of people we love and respect to mute the sounds our own souls make.  Adjust your sound and listen accordingly.  If you are not going to do your own thing, you will probably find yourself unhappy and having to start all over again.

3.  College is a big deal.  BIG DEAL.  Academically speaking, having that paper is essential.  But, there is much more to learn at college than what is taught in the classroom.  College is an opportunity to refine yourself.  You can leave behind much of the baggage of your old life and start anew.  I would tell myself to be more open to different people and different things.  I would have had more fun.  I would have taken myself less seriously.  

4.  First Love.  Gosh, that's fun.  What a time of life.  I spent a great deal of my first love worrying about it not lasting.  What a waste.  I should have just enjoyed it for what it was.  It was sweet, fun, exciting.  But, that boy did more than become my first love.  He showed me that I was lovable, that I was smart, that I was funny, that I had a good thing going for me.  My family told me this over and over, but that boy made me believe it.  And, no.  I didn't marry him.  And, I'm not sad about that.  Things worked out, for both of us.  You could have never told me this when I was 18.  I was set on that boy for life.  A few years later, it ended, and I was devastated.  All that energy, all that effort, all of that time - none of it went to waste.  The time I spent in that relationship, as with all relationships, had a major impact on me.  Part of my confidence, part of my sense of humor, most of my relationship skills matured during that time of life.  So, first loves can be great, even if they don't last forever.

5.  Don't party.  It's tacky.  There will always be mistakes, but drugs and drinking sort of ensure disaster.  Wait until you have kids, then you will really need a drink.  

6.  Sex.  Wait.  I know that I am SO GLAD that Ryan and I never have to compare anyone else with what we are working with.  The mind and the heart can go some crazy places, so keep life less complicated by holding off.  True love really does wait.  

7.  Priorities.  Get them straight.  During the last year of high school, you are going to be sick of most people and cling to your best friends.  Then, in a few months, you will have a dozen new friends, and a few hundred more by the end of that year.  Be kind.  Show love.  

And, this goes for your family as well.  When you are on the verge of more independence, it is easy to get annoyed and cranky with the old life.  But, when it all comes down, family matters.  They are there for life, all ages, all stages.  Love on them and let them love on you.

This seems so dumb, or stupid (which is now Avery's favorite word), now that I have written it.  Seems like I should have more exact and precise words of wisdom.  But, it's what I seemed to be consumed by when I was the big one-eight.  

Lauren, I love you.  I love your sense of style.  I love your confidence.  I love your ability to speak your mind.  I love how you remember things so well.  I love your creative side.  I love your tender touch.  I love when you do my hair and we talk about clothes.  I love when you make me Cd's and bring DVDs over to watch with me.  I love sharing my life with you.  Thank you for being you and for allowing me the opportunity to love on you.  Happy Birthday, girl.  

Just as You Are

Just as you are.  Isn't that the best way to be loved?  Isn't it wonderful to know that there are people on this earth who love, even like, you for just being you.  It is such a secure, empowering feeling to sense this, to have it be part of your composition, part of your existence, made of that kind of love and support.  It really does matter.  It really does make a difference.  

Knowing this, I, unfortunately, find myself wanting other people to live up to a standard that I have set for them.  Most of the time, this level of excellence is unattainable.  My vision for who they should be most of the time doesn't exist in reality.  Most of the time, I feel that I am too hard on other people.  

This is something that makes me sad about myself.  I noticed it about 1o years ago, mainly because Ryan pointed it out to me.  He suggest that I was setting myself up for disappointment and that maybe I should just love people as they are, simply.  Hum.  What a concept.  And, so I started working on that.  After meeting new people, I didn't analyze what they said or how they looked.  I stopped assuming things about people, stopped studying their every move.  I ceased to be so mindful of the worlds of other people and became more present in my own life.  Hum.  There's another great idea.  

Then, I became a mother.  My expectations for my girls are high.  And, a great deal of the time, they make the mark (Yes, I realize how awful that sounds, but I am being honest here).  But, several times a day I find myself rolling my eyes, wishing for silence, hoping to not have to wait out a tantrum, hoping that the word "stupid" will just disappear from my toddler's mouth, praying that I won't be consumed by my anger.  And I fail.  And they fail.  And, I expect and hope for their mercy, just as they do my own.  

And, I won't even bring God into this.  The guilt that I experience from a religious standard that I wish focused more on God's grace and mercy than on his hatred of sin, messes with my mind minute by minute.  We will save that subject for another entry.  

Therefore, I am trying to love people for being themselves.  Trying.  Really trying.  Be patient with me.

We all Have Bad Days

Nights aren't always pretty at our house.  We put our kids to be at 8pm.  We have a routine that we follow every night.  We sit as a family, plopped in front of the tv, watching a DVD, snacking on something semi-healthy.  This lasts for about 30 minutes.  Then, as a family, we march upstairs.  Ryan takes Avery in the bathroom for potty time and brushing of the teeth.  I start nursing Emery.  We read a few books, sing some songs, cuddle, put the girls in bed, and leave.  We have done this exact routine for months.  Most of the time the girls go to sleep within the hour.  They do lots of chatting, playing, and laughing.  As long as they are in their room being fairly quiet, we are okay.  (There are times of potty breaks, Avery taking Emery's clothes off, forgetting something, etc.  But, we try to avoid those at all cost and ignore most requests.)  

You would think that since this is our norm, that every night would go about the same.  At least that is what I think.  But we have some hiccups.  One huge, UGLY, awful night happened last week.  Avery flipped out, kept coming out of her bed, demands were coming like crazy, I was mad, Ryan was mad - it was bad.  Four hours later, she finally fell asleep.  Four hours.  It was exhausting.  Then, she got up at 5am.  What?

So, seeing that we were going to the pediatricians anyway, I asked Dr. Amy about this.  And, to sum up, she basically told me that I need to be aware that kids have bad days.  She suggested that if it was taking more than 30 minutes to "put her to bed" that I needed to try something new.  She suggested pulling Avery out of the room and giving her some special attention.  She thinks watching some tv for mom while holding a cranky kid for a while, just sitting quietly, just showing some love and support may really help.  That instead of forcing her and fighting her, that I should be loving her.  Hum.  Who would have thought?! 

I get so stuck in my routines that I fail to see that some flexibility might just be the cure.  See, kids have bad days, too.  I need to remember this.  I am working on it.  

Puzzle

I suppose I feel that this title of "puzzle" fits for today as I have much to tell you.  We finally arrived home after a 12 hour trip.  Emery decided that she had enough somewhere just past Berkley Springs, WV, about 3 hours away, and cried to prove it to us.  She has never been a big crier, so that was her worst yet.  We all had a great vacation but were happy to be home.  The girls were buzzing around, trying out their missed toys and favorite seats, jumping in their beds, and motoring about.  It seems like they both of gotten even busier in just one week's time.  For sure, Emery is toddling everywhere, making her seem less and less like a baby.  

I last left off with the beginning of vacation and how things were going.  Here is an update over the last few days:

*  Avery now likes boys, much, much older boys.  First, she discovered Matthew, a boy from our pool.  He's nine, I think.  She loves to chase him around the pool, and, luckily, he is really nice to her.  Then, Tyler, my nephew, brought his friend, Jake, on vacation.  He's 16.  Loves him.  She calls them her "big boys".  We're in trouble.

*  Emery is a piece of work.  She loves getting into trouble, looking a me with a smile only to share her head, proving that she knows she is up to no good.  Also, she cries every time I hold Avery.  Jealous girl.

* Ryan thinks he knows why my family has vacation success.  He thinks that we do well because no one relies on anyone else to plan their day.  People just do what they want.  This is good for us because we can then do what we want.  Most of the time other family members follow along, but there isn't any pressure.  It is working for us.  

*  I got great news while on vacation.  MY HOUSE IS BEING PAINTED!  As you may know, we rent our house from my grandparents.  It isn't your normal landlord situation.  Basically, we pay for everything, we are charged rent, and we are responsible for the upkeep of the house.  We don't really want to waste any of our savings on home improvement because it will just be lost money when we move out.  But, as all of you home owners know, a house naturally needs to be spruced.  Well, the grandparents hired my uncle and his crew to do some work.  They painted our back siding, cleaned our gutters, painted our front dormer, painted our main hallways, and are just doing some other painting inside.  I AM BEYOND THRILLED.  I had gotten used to having a really nice home.  We have owned two really great homes before Ryan went back to school, and we remodeled each of those to our liking.  I thought I was going to have to deal with grimy walls for two more years, but no!  Clean and bright, here I come.  

*  I am going to the Weight Watcher points system.  I really haven't been working out or dieting since early spring and I need to get back to it.  I still have 15 lbs to lose and I want it gone.  

*  Water.  I don't drink enough.  This is my August goal.  

* And, the missing link is Avery's sudden sleep issue.  She is freaking out about bedtime.  Last night it took her 4 hours to fall asleep, and that didn't happen until 12:30.  Emery got up three times wondering what all the drama was about, so I put her back in our "closet" so that she could sleep.  I was hoping that Avery would at least sleep in, but she was up and out of her room by 5:30.  Insane.  I have no idea what is going on with her.  My guess is three things:  

1.  she is overly tired from vacation 

2.  she thinks she is hot stuff after being with her big cousins last week 

3.  she isn't getting enough alone time with me.   

I am only hoping this is an isolated event and not a new pattern as I may self-destruct on that little sleep and that much anger.  

That's about all that is going on here.  Piece that puzzle together!  Have a great day.  

My Worry

I have been reading MckMama's blog for a few months now, obsessively, somewhat refreshed by her color and attitude.  And, this weekend, I was shocked to read how seriously, seriously, seriously ill her baby boy, Stellan, had become.  Through her blog, I sort of found an imaginary friend.  I look to her for advice, humor, inspiration.  And, my friend is going through a heart wrenching time.  Once again I get a little perspective.

Lately, my concerns have been about babies sleeping, toddlers using "mean words", not losing my cool too many times during the day, looking good (or better) in my bathing suit, and here is my imaginary friend having her heart broken a million times a day watching her baby boy fight for his life.  I try to figure out how to get dinner on the table without having a child get hurt or upset;  MckMama works on plans to meet her baby in Boston where he has been life-flighted.  I pray for wisdom about teaching Avery to listen to me; MckMama prays to hear Stellan's heart beat normally.  

I can't imagine it.  I feel guilty knowing that the worse thing I have had to face with my girls is a broken leg.  The nightmares that every parent faces at some point is her reality.  And, I will take that perspective.  I will realize that my issues are not huge, overwhelming.  They are doable, workable, possible.  At the same time, I must realize that they are worth fighting for, working on, working with.  

And, when I feel frustrated by a simple matter between my girls and me, I will pray for my MckMama friend.  I will pray for her baby boy.  

Blending Family

Well, it's Tuesday night.  The family, minus Mimi and Pappy, who are sleeping, is being noisy in the living room.  They are filling the room with bad jokes, old stories, and laughs.  Isabella is bouncing from person to person for hugs and cuddles.  Shelly is smothering pretzels in fudge.  Ryan and I are having some coffee.  Kelly and Lauren are in the hot tub.  Many boys are lounging on the couch and floor.  The buzz of this house is sweet and constant until late at night when the teenagers finally crash.  

We have found that we have people of every stage of life in this house.  The range is great and interesting.  We can all see where we have been and where we are going.  I suppose the hard part is being aware of where we are currently in life.  There is a strange comfort in knowing that every phase of life has its ups and downs.  For us, having babies means early morning and early bedtimes.  We have to constantly supervise and wonder where they are and where they are going next.  We concern ourselves with thoughts of our kids making too much noise, too much mess, too much distraction.  

My brother has a whole other set of concerns.  His kids are able to take care of themselves for the most part, but they walk that fine line of being independent and still dependent.  I can imagine that Scott and Shelly wish for their kids to feel autonomous but still need to watch over them very carefully without hovering.  

My sister has kids on the verge.  Lauren will be 18 next month.  She and Tyler are behind the wheel, given many responsibilities, but still have many self-centered sensibilities.  As I hope that they won't sneak out at night, I can only imagine the fears that Leah feels with her kids of this age.  

And my parents, I am sure they still worry about all of us.  Do we feel accomplished?  Are we happy?  Do we feel safe in our lives?  Are we happy with our choices?  I am made very much aware, when my family is together, that being  a parent is a job that never ends.  

I enjoy the blending of our little families when we are all together.  Kids seem to fluctuate between different sets of parents.  It makes me wonder what life would be like with a child of that age or this age, imagine what a family of this many or that many would be like.  I watch my girls interact with this family of mine and I am glad that they have them.  I am pleased that they will grow up knowing that there are many people who love them, many people who would protect and provide for them, many people who love them as I do.  I think of the mark that my family has made on my life and I look forward to watching their extended family nurture them as well.  

And this just makes me wonder, who are you loving?  Who are you investing in, caring for, spending your time with?  And, who loved you well?  Who made you feel special?  We only have this one life.  What are you doing with it?

We're on Vacation

The house, usually filled with the noise of 16 people, is now fairly silent. The white noise of the dishwasher and baby monitor are the only sounds I hear. I am alone with the exception of a sleeping Emery, and it is nice. To say that I feel full, complete, joyous seems vague, subtle. In fact, I am quieted by my blessings. My mind, usually buzzing, is still. And, it is so nice.
We took two days to drive here, stopping in Williamsburgh, VA for one night. The girls did so well. They really only fussed the last half our of our 8 hour day. They didn't sleep well at the hotel, but that was more of my issue than theirs ( I kept worrying that Avery was going to turn the stove on in our suite or escape out of the main door. I tried sleeping with her to solve this, but it only made her more hyper. So, around midnight, they finally fell asleep.) We left after breakfast and had a smooth trip down to the Outer Banks. The house is just great. Every one has a bedroom and we can all sit down to eat. If I may make one recommendation: If you have small children and are going on a vacation with others who may be noisy or stay up late, do yourself a favor and get a steel fan. We bought our fan at Sam's for forty dollars and it is loud enough to block out 6 adolescents playing Rockband. This forty dollars may be the insurance we need for a great vacation.
This morning it was so nice to be around my family. Lots of people were around to cuddle my kids and feed them breakfast. We made bead necklaces, went for a long bike ride, and had some great laughs. I am so looking forward to the rest of the week. I am hoping to take lots of time to digest all that is my family. I want to savor them, allow them to become a part of me and me a part of them. I want to love on my brother and sister's kids. I want to invest in the lives of the people that I love. I want to slow down.
I am amazed, really, by the calmness in my mind. It has been so good to see my husband relax and even be silly. I loved seeing Avery put her arm around Emery in their bike wagon. I feel full. I feel good. Who makes you feel this way?

I Gotta Go Number Two.

I Gotta Go Number Two.  And, I'm not talking about the bathroom.  I'm talking about Emery. This  time last year I was fully pregnant, having those mixed emotions about wanting to preserve my special time with Avery and wanting to meet my sweet Emery.  Soon, I left Avery for the first time, headed to the hospital, and within a few hours Emery was ready for my hugs.  That night, Ryan, Emery, and I had our only alone time as of yet. 

 Those few sweet hours in the hospital are so romantic.  It seems magical to have your husband and your baby there, tucked into a little corner of the world, where time and noise seem non existent.  But, then, gotta go!  Number two is here!  Life, as we know it, starts all over again.  The noise, the speed - they all return.

Emery turns a year old next Friday.  And, to be honest, it seems like it has been non stop since then.  Someone always needs something, wants something, wants me, faster, better, more, endlessly.  I can't believe that she is growing so quickly.  I think I am going to hold her tightly this week, somehow try to preserve my baby just a little while longer.  

Progressing

I know, two posts in one day.  Take what you can get.  I'm in the mood to catch up on technology items and the girls are napping.  I wanted to fill you all in, as I know you await anxiously to hear the BIG NEWS here are our house.  I will start where I last left off, just when Avery and Ryan had gone to the lake.

Well, having Avery at the lake was great.  I needed the break from her, needed some time alone with Emery, and needed to think through a few things.  And her is what I learned while they were gone:

1.  While I kept using excuses like she's three and she's a baby, she's tired and she's teething, etc., the reality of my life is that I have two girls who want my full attention.  And, as you know, it ain't happenin'.  I can't please them both all of the time.  So, usually one of them is unhappy.  Somehow, admitting this to myself has made things better.  I don't make excuses for us any longer.  I just do my best to meet their needs, keep myself sane, and we go from there.  It took Avery being away for a while for me to really see this, our truth, our reality.

2.  Having one child is so much easier than having more than one.  I have no idea how moms with more than two handle it.  It must get easier as they get older, or you just get used to it.  I am not sure, but I give you all some serious credit.  

3.  There are things in life that I just have to do.  I was pouting about the girls having to share a room, how hard it was going to be to have them in there together...pout, pout, pout.  I was really angry about being stuck in this seemingly no-progressive state of our life.  Five years seems like a long time to put life on hold for a degree when you are in the middle of it.  We are half way through, but I still get bogged down by it sometimes.  So, I gave myself some resolve for when they returned that we were going to make this situation work.  Better yet, we are going to make it work for US!  

And, so how have things been going since then.  Here are some highlights of the past two weeks:

1.   The room sharing has been a success.  Emery still gets up around 5am for a feeding, but she sleeps through other than that.  They go to bed at the same time.  We put them in their room around 8 and they are usually asleep by 9.  They do all kinds of singing, talking, and playing for an hour, which is fine with me.  Emery cries sometimes, but Avery seems to sleep right through it.  Our only issue now is teaching Avery not to wake Emmy is she is still asleep.  I will say that it has gone much better than expected.  

2.  Avery gave up her pacifier.  We wrapped them up for the "mailman" to take to the "hospital" for Baby Kate and Baby Steve (we made these kiddos up).  That was four days ago.  We made a huge deal about it, and she fell for it all.  Again, this went much better than I expected it to.

3.  Emery is walking.  She thinks she is hot stuff.  Well, I think she is too!

4.  Avery is swimming like a fish.  She jumps in the water, swims under water, and has even learned how to "breathe" underwater.  I am really proud of her success.  

So, yeah.  We have lots going on around here.  All good stuff.  We are slowly packing for vacation.  Really good stuff.  I will keep you posted on life here in these parts.  What is new with you?

Just Chill!

Once, a few months ago, in a moment of rage, I told Avery, "Just Chill"!  Now, she uses that as ammo against me.  Today, while I was again in a bad mood because of losing some sleep to teething, Avery reminded me in her sweet voice to "just chill, be happy, no in bad mood mommy".  She was right.  I was choosing my attitude, picking a bad one, and we were all paying the price.  It took me about an hour, but I got out of my funk, thankfully.  Since then, I have been fully aware of how my attitude was influencing the attitude of my children.  

It seems so simple.  Be nice, your kids will be nice.  Relax, your kids will relax.  Seems so simple.  But, as I am trying to get the laundry done, blow my hair dry (at least once a week), have a clean kitchen, play with my kids, read to my kids, check to see that my husband is having a good day, talk to my sister, check in with my mom, I lose control.  I get overwhelmed.  I get sidetracked.  I forget.  I forget that I need to check in with myself.  I need to ease on down, ease on down this road.  Those girls, my babies, are so small.  They need me to be their refuge and their teacher.  They look to me for everything.  I want them to see a happy, healthy, less stressed mom than they do on most days.  

So, I have been mindful this month about my state of being and how it correlates to their state of being.  And, most of the time, I have to "just chill" and positive results follow.  How is your emotional status influencing those around you?  Are you giving off "good vibrations" or are you contaminating the environment?  Just Chill.  I'm trying it.

Everybody Needs A little Time Away

"Everybody needs a little time away.  I heard her say.  Even lovers need a holiday far away from each other."  Chicago sure had it right, didn't they?  Geesh.  I need a break.  Seriously.  Seriously!  The three year old is driving me out of my mind.  Please tell me it gets better.  Lie if you have to.  Lie away.  

Ryan is taking Avery to his parents for the weekend.  It will only be the second time we have not slept in the same house.  The first time was when I was in the hospital having Emery, just about a year ago.  But, this is the first time she will be leaving me.  I think we are both ready for it and in need of "a little time away".  

I think autonomy has a lot to do with it.  That girl is one independent child, one opinionated, controlling girl.  And, I know this because she gets it from me.  For about the past week we have been trying to control one another and then freaking out because we both feel out of control.  I know that she needs a break from me as much as I need one from her.  

That leaves me and the Em-ster at home, alone.  That means that I am going to have some actual alone time while she naps and sleeps.  What am I going to do with myself?  Here are a few ideas:

1.  Go over to the McCracken home library and pick out a book to sink myself into.

2.  Clean like the dickens and have the house stay "nice" for more than 10 seconds.

3.  Download music, legally.  

4.  Catch up on season two of Gilmore Girls.

5.  Cook what I want to eat.

6.  Go shopping with only one child in tow.

7.  Work on the basement for long periods of time while not entertaining a toddler, who would be making a mess in another part of the basement.

8.  Gather tons of stuff to donate.

9.  Work on some picture stuff - albums, clearing the hard drive of the 1700 photos that it carries daily, practice taking pictures, etc.

10.  Number ten is the most important and so deserves its own paragraph...

Number ten is all about phase two of sleep training.  Emery is pretty much sleeping through the night.  Now we must move her into her real bedroom, the one she is to share with Avery.  This weekend that crib is going to become a haven for Emery.  She is going to sleep in there at all times.  I am even taking down the crib in her closet room so that I will not be tempted.  I want that girl to love that crib by the time Sunday comes and sister is home.  Let's get to work!

So, yes.  I do have high aspirations for this weekend.  I will report back to let you know how it is going.  

Over-Thinker

Hi.  I'm Bethany and I'm an over-thinker.  Seriously, I am addicted to my thoughts.  I have been my whole life.  I recall my first obsession: the origin of my food.  I wanted to know where my mom had bought the food.  Did she get it at the store or from a farmer's market.  Could they trace back to the dairy where my milk was processed?  And, the real kicker, what did the face of the animal from which this meat came from look like?  Meat still bothers me.  I have had to learn to disassociate myself from the reality of its roots.  And, as I prepare meals for my family, make my cup of coffee, mix in my raw sugar, I wonder what the farm looks like, what the farmers look like, what the air is like in the place of their origins.  Confession number one of an over-thinker.

And, yes.  It gets in the way of my life.  I obsess over many things.  Here are just a few fresh from my mind this minute:

1.  Will Avery ever go to sleep quietly enough so that Emery can join her in their bedroom?

2.  Will this one car situation work out or am I too set in my ways to be flexible (thanks mom for letting me borrow your car when I feel the urge to go come on)?

3.  Will I ever lose these last 15 pounds?  I mean, really.  

4.  Just how awful will the 10 hour drive to the beach be?  

5.  Oh, here it comes again.  Will my kids ever share a room or will I have to share my bedroom with Emery for the next two years?

6.  Just how messed up are my kids going to be?

7.  Is the world coming to an end, because people seem to be really sad this week?

8.  Why is my alone time so important to me?

9.  Why can't I be more assertive?

10.  Will the chicken thaw enough?...oh, crap.  I forgot to take it out of the freezer.  Be back in one minute.

There.  10.  That's enough.  Trust me, there are more.  I suppose I find it impossible to rest my mind unless I am sleeping.  I am a good sleeper.  Once I am asleep, I am good to go.  Lights out, baby.  But, during the waking hours, there is no shutting down.  

Take the past 24 hours as an example.  Wednesday morning.  Up at 6:30am.  Morning feeding routine.  7am "playing" with the girls in their room turned into me cleaning out their closet.  I moved all of their hanging clothes into the "closet"/sewing room where Emery sleeps.  Four tension rods full of frills and pinkness all organized nicely.  I took 8 diaper boxes filled with hand-me-downs and out-of-season clothes to the basement.  Moved furniture.  Scrubbed floors.  Put Emery down for her nap at 9am.  Moved all of their toys into the new closet system.  Make Avery and Emery a small library in the closet.  11am took the girls to Target to get out of the house for an hour.  Noon.  Lunch and a quick dvd of Little Bear.  Nap time chaos begins.  I wanted to shoot for day 2 of the girls napping together.  After 45 minutes of nonsense, I gave up and put Emery in her closet room.  I needed the break.  2pm both girls are sleeping.  I go to the basement to clean and organize down there until 4pm when the girls wake up and I have to start dinner.  5-6:30pm dinner and family play time....bedtime at 8pm for the girls, movie time for Ryan and me.  Bedtime for us at 11:30.  6:15am girls are up and ready to go.  7am back up to play and finish cleaning the girls room.  8:20 drive Ryan to work....

Ryan calls it "Philling" around when I am like this, always on a project.  When I try to sit and let's say listen to music and relax, my mind starts racing with the millions of things that might better be done than rest.  Over-Thinking.  I think it's in my nature and in my nurture.  What's a mom to do?  And, you bet.  I can post pics of the girls room just as soon as Ryan gets around to hanging her ballet mirror, which will hopefully happen during this year.  It should be cute.

Duel Sleepers

Well, the time has come.  Emery is making her journey into the big girls room.  Her crib has been in there for over a year and it is ready for her now.  For the most part, Emery sleeps through the night.  The past few nights she has gotten up because of her teeth, but she does okay other than that.  Her naps are good; Avery's naps are great.  So, today I took them to the pool to tire them out, fed them a great lunch, tried to give them each some special attention, and then put them to bed in the same room.  

It took about fifteen minutes, but they both fell asleep.  Emery cried for a while and Avery kept telling her to go to bed, which sounds about right.  We have a big fan in there to provide some noise cushion.  I was even able to sneek in their room, look at their sweet, sleeping faces, and cover them both with warm blankets.  I have never been able to do this before.  I seem to have light sleepers.  

I would consider it a success if they both get an hour and a half of sleep in today.  We still have to go to the grocery store before dad comes home for dinner, so that might just work out perfectly.  I know many of you have co-sleepers.  Any advice for me?  

Pie and Pavarotti

There are many marks that a father leaves on the life of his child.  Many.  I am fortunate to have a loving and kind, hard working and brave, sweet and funny father.  Really, I never call him father, that is a term I use more for my Heavenly Father, but to me, he is dad and daddy.  

My dad and I have always had a good relationship.  I often felt understood, even praised, by him.  I knew that he loved me and that he liked having me around, even when others felt that I was somewhat bothersome.  My siblings have even confided that daddy and share a special bond.  There really wasn't anything that I didn't want to do with him.  Chopping wood, scraping paint, mowing the grass - these were all opportunities to be with him.  Of course we did special things together - making sassafras tea that we grew in our woods, swinging with underduckies at the farm, painting lessons on my homemade easel.  How he honed in on my loves of creativity and art.  

As I got older, we would listen to opera while I helped him cook.  The Italian in us naturally came out, both of us longing to learn the language so sing along, to feel more connected.  When the most beautiful song of all - Nessun Dorma via Pavarotti - would come on, we would pause.  The song can bring tears to my eyes this minute.  I always had this dream of taking my dad to Italy to hear Pav live, now we will have to wait for Heaven.  There were other songs, dancing songs, singing songs, heart songs that I hear and can only think of those times in the kitchen with my dad.  My husband really appreciates my cooking.  I love my cooking.  It is my expression, my creative contribution, and I have my dad to thank for bringing that out in me.  

But, there is one cooking lesson that has left the greatest mark on my life.  My first pie.  Pies - now that is something I can rely on for a crowd pleasing time.  I feel so comfortable turning that flour and fat into a crust that melts in your mouth.  My hands know just when to stop the mixing, the rolling, the tucking, the pinching.  I know the perfect color of gold for oven removal.  But, I know most of all the warm, comforting, welcoming feeling that one bite of a homemade pie can bring to a person.  Moreover, I know that a simple offering of a baked good can open a door to a life in need of love.  

Our family farm, right across the street from our house, was sold to a horsemen.  The new owner had a trainer and his family move into a home on the lot.  This was all very different for me, a ten year old, and my dad.  That land that was his playground and it now belonged to someone else.  While many would become bitter, turned their back on these new residents, dad took this opportunity to love, really love.  

At my parents kitchen table, the hands of a young girl and a steel worker, rolled out a pie, filled it with cherries, wove a crust-top, and baked with love.  We carried a warm cherry pie to our new neighbors and made some new friends.  To make a very long story short, a family in turmoil, one about to call it quits, started coming to our church, started making changes for the better, began choosing love.  One family on the brink of destruction, blossomed.  This family now serves God in churches in our area.  I often wonder how the world would be different if my dad hadn't made that pie.  

The lessons that my dad taught are numerous, too many to count.  And, the good news is that the lessons go on.  My daughters will bake pies and they will know Pavarotti.  More importantly that will know that an extended hand, an offering, to a person in need makes a mark for good.  Thank you, dad.  

Take 'Em As They Come

I can remember it so clearly.  My belly was full of Averyness.  I had so many thoughts about what she would look like, what type of person she would be.  I wondered who she would resemble, what her voice would sound like, how big her feet would be, what color eyes she would have.  Would she have my hair or Ryan's?  Would she be pale like me or have his nice tan coloring?  Would she be a cup half full or half empty kind of person?  The wonderings went on and on.  

And, wouldn't you know it, she is nothing like I imagined her to be.  Nothing.  Not that this is a bad thing.  More like, she is more than I could ever comprehend like of thing.  She is more complex in her looks and her personality than I could have thought.  Isn't that just great?  So, when Emery was in utero, I didn't even ponder much about what she would look like or be like.  I guess I wondered if she would be like Avery more than anything.  And, once again, I am amazed by the little person that Emery came out to be. 

 As with most parents, I am in awe of the wonder of our Creator when I look at my babies.  And, what do I do with this wonder?  How do I respond to it?  How do I respect the Creator?  Well, I suppose I respect his work.  I don't try to change it, try to force it to be something it's not, try to make it into what I want it to be.  I take this child, this little life, and love it for what it is.   

And, it's a challenge for me.  I want to force my child to be the best sharer, the best listener, the cleanest, the nicest, the sweetest, and those of you who know her, know she isn't the best at all of these things.  She does well most of the time, but she's three and we all know what fun that is.  While I want her to pick out the pink shoes, she wants purple.  When I want her to want her hair curled, she likes to mess it up.  The dress she wants to wear isn't what I had in mind.  When I introduce her to some people, she turns her head.  When I want to do something quiet and creative, she wants to run around the house.  It goes on and on.  

What I must remember is that she is her own person.  I am responsible in helping her to learn to make good choices, but I can't choose her life.  Even though she is just three, the messages I send to her about her choices and their consequences (or rewards) are vital.  Will she learn responsibility or rejection?  Will she learn independence of dependence on me for the answers?  

I love my girls.  I want them to grow to be loving, smart women of God.  Today matters.  How I make them feel matters.  The example I set for them matters.  So if you see me around working really hard to help my kids make good choices, support me.  Support them.  Be an example for them.  They are created by my Creator to be what He desires of them...we are all still a work in progress.

Slow. Things. Down.

It is tempting to try to keep up with life, to try to do all that is available, to attempt to make the most of every moment.  I feel this pressure, too often for my liking.  Possibly this has something to do with my situation, as being a mom to two small people can eat up a great deal of time and energy, but more so I believe that it is just in my nature.  I like to do and I was raised by some family members who also have this drive.  

For example, Ryan and I are playing in the yard with the girls.  I will probably start working in the garden, sweeping the porch, arranging the patio furniture.  Before I know it, one child is crying, Ryan is frustrated from tending to both little lambs, and I am in my own world of "doing".

And the problem that I have with this has nothing to do with the fact that I don't get a ton of time to do the chores that I love to do, but that this isn't the life that I want to live.  I desire to be present in the lives of my children, in my marriage, and in my friendships.  I don't want to be too busy to there, to be close, to be near to the lives that matter to me.  

Being around and being present are to totally different things.  Trust me.  My toddler's mommy time alarm rings loudly when she hasn't had real time with me.  The need could not be more clear.  And, I am just wondering if I have missed the alarms of other people while merely existing in our relationship instead of being alive in them.  

This summer is providing an great opportunity for me to Slow. Things. Down.  Ryan's car died.  He sold it and it will be gone as of this weekend, leaving us as a single car family.  Now, it's not as bad as it sounds.  The next few weeks will be a little crazy, but once Ryan starts his new position in our town, there will really only be two days a week that I will carless.  I am not looking forward to this venture, but I can see it as an opportunity to do some home-work.  I am making the choice to spin this for the positive.  Here is how I am going to use this situation to my advantage.

First off, I have great neighbors.  Liz and Katie could and will probably entertain me and my girls most days.  This shows my daughters, and their kids, that neighbors can be dear friends.  They will learn how moms can stick together (their husbands are interns at the hospital by our house, so they feel the "my husband works all of the time" pain).  They will learn how fun and sweet it is to have girlfriends in their lives.  

Secondly, I am going to do some cooking.  I love to cook and bake, but the hour before dinner time can be crunch time.  Kids are hungry, we are all excited to Ryan to come home, and yet someone has to be in that kitchen working away.  I figure that I can do some food prep on my days at home.  Chopping, washing, dicing, marinating - all these tasks can be done ahead of time so that I have more time to play in the afternoon when both girls need me to be really present.  

Thirdly, I am learning once again the importance of being flexible.  When I married Ryan, I married his dreams, his desires, his plans.  I won't lie and say that I knew what I was signing on for, but I knew with whom I was signing.  This dream of being a psychologist is sort of fogging and nightmarish right now, but I know that we keep getting closer to "things getting easier".  I want a new car, a really nice new car with all kinds of neat things and tricks, but for now, that isn't going to happen.  And, I have to be okay with that.  By not putting up a fight, by not being bossy and mean about it, I am showing my husband that I am in agreement with the life he is leading.  I could go get a job, put the kids in day care, and then we could afford a new car (that would be about all that we could afford after the daycare).  But, that isn't what we want for our family.  And, there is no slowing down in that idea.

What was this all about again?  Oh, yes.  Slowing things down.  See, life is busy.  You get thrown things you weren't expecting.   Things get messy and complicated.  So, what do you do?  Do you get frantic and freak out?  Do you shut down and shut out?  I am going to try to avoid those messes and opt for a slow down.  Maybe I should put up some construction signs around my life.  Warning:  Bethany at Work.  Slow down or fines will double.  Sounds like a plan.  Who wants to go steal, I mean borrow, a few of those for me?  Live life.  Be present.  Slow down.  

She's Three

Really, I can't even believe it.  When she turned two, that seemed about right. But three, that's a whole other part of toddlerhood, and I can't believe that she is there already.  What a great time we had today celebrating with her friends.  We are so fortunate to be surrounded by such sweet people, who love us, even when we are bossy (Avery put Amelia in time out today at her party).

The theme was pirates and princesses.  We sent messages in bottles to friends and the invitations were sort of like treasure maps.  I think finding old beer bottles on their front porches was interesting for most moms.  I found all kinds of fun piratey things about - really, more than I could handle.  

But, the best find of all, especially since I wanted it to be kind of girly, was the pink, white, and black pirate plates.  SO CUTE.  

They just pulled everything together.  Avery and I baked her cupcakes.  Chocolate, of course.  She is the original Naked Chef, Free Range baby, as neighbor Liz calls her.  She even helped with the dishes afterwards.  I like having her help in the kitchen.

Avery got to go on a special trip today with my sister, Cookie.  They shopped with Lauren for her present.  She came home with a DVD and bubble gum.  She was thrilled.  And, people, if you want to make a party throwers day, offer to take the kids while she sets up.  SO VERY NICE.  My mom came over early to help get the final touches ready.  Let's just say that without the help of a sister and a mom, this hostess would have been spent before the party even started.  But, with their help, it all came together and I was ready to party.  Once the friends arrived, it became dress up madness.  Costumes of pirates, princesses, and dancers were everywhere.  There was lots of noise, and it sure sounded fun.  We had lunch and some nice talks.  The kids sat at the table in the living room and the moms and babies were in the dining room.  Leah and Jan, also known as Cookie and Mimi, said that the conversation at the kid table was priceless.  We played Walk the Plank and had a treasure hunt. 

 I think the kids had fun, and I know that I did. I put on a movie (piratey for sure) to end on a sort of quiet note.  Some kids were quite, my kid was not.  Right after trying to steal the sleeping bag from Zeke, she lifted his shirt for a big sloppy zerbert.  Those two - Babe and Buddy - are so funny.    

What can I say, we tried.  Now the house is pretty quiet and I am missing those little buggers running around.  I am hoping Avery will have these friends for life.  I love their moms and they are so special to me.  It was our first kid party, and I loved it.  Now, Avery's special day has a few more hours in it...I am sure her dad and I can figure out some fun to have.  

Moms, one great reason why the pirate theme is a plus, you don't have to do your hair.  I highly recommend it, Matey.